Autumn and hoarfrost

Well, when I was in the train today, travelling towards the place I call home, I decided to write a long, long entry for my blog. So long that nobody can’t read it totally. About what? Well, I’ll find out. But, anyway, I know already it’ll be quite… strange, so, please, try to understand. I’m not the most normal girl, I guess.

First, let’s talk about movies. I’ve seen quite many movies in my life, but the first one I actually remember was Bambi. I went to see it with my godmother, and it was a bad decision – I was maybe about 6, and cried when… well, you know. I don’t want to spoil the part where Bambi’s mother… well, so.

Then, when I was maybe 13, I watched three movies, which I really do like. The Beatles’ Yellow Submarine, which was maybe the most psychedelic movie I’ve ever seen, Stand by Me, which is still my favorite movie, and The Breakfast Club. Last one is still quite important for me, I’ll get you a quote from it later on.

Ok, I guess movies are boring topic, sorry. But, still, if you want to know something about my personality, we have to discuss about one movie, Elizabethtown. Why?

Because…

…the theory about substitute peoples. Here it comes.

I’ve wanted to be a substitute person for my whole life. I’ve tried to make others life a bit easier, and I’ve tried to take the place which is needed. It’s quite hard to explain, so, lets take an example.

Somebody is lonely. He/She (usually they’re boys, actually, but let’s return to it later) needs a friend. If she is a hippie, I’ll become a hippie also. If he listens to heavy metal, I’ll listen it also. So, the point is that I’ll try to be flexible, I’ll try to make she/he understand, that he/she is important, she is special, and the things she/he does aren’t worthless. And, when she/he realizes that and gets more self-confidence or becomes happier or… anyway, I’ll concentrate to next one. When I’m not needed anymore, I’ll be ready to leave, ‘cos if I would stay, I would just want to continue and continue, and the sad fact is, that substitute persons aren’t mean to be established.

So, that was a part of my theory, and I’m usually happy with it. But then, sometimes, I meet a person who really likes me as I am, and then… I usually fall in love. And gosh, it is maybe the worst thing that can happen to a substitute person. I start to enjoy about everything which I see in him – his smile, the rhythm he speaks, what kind of words he uses… I really do love little things, those details, and when I fell in love, I’ll pay special attention to those. And when I find more and more… it’s not easy for a substitute person. So, actually, I should not fell in love with anybody, ever. ‘Cos if I do, I start to demand too much from a person, who should be the one I should NOT demand anything.

Ok, that was enough about substitute people and feelings, right now.

Snow. I do love snow. When it falls softly or the wind makes flakes dance. When it catch on my hair, when I can try to hunt snowflakes with my tongue, when my foot prints stay in the snow. (English people don’t have enough words for snow, actually. In Finland we have quite many, even though I guess we’ll forget them soon). This evening it was snowing and it made me glad. I hope I could draw a picture with my pastels, but a promblem is that I should use only black and white (it is dark outside) and I’m not good at drawing with out colors.

Colors are my strength. I can choose exactly right color for fire, for leaves and so on. I can’t draw, but I can use colors, and hues of the colors.

Oh, about colors. I’ve never told you about coloring the music. Sometimes, not so often anymore, I just sit in my room, put some music on, and color it. Usually cellos are dark blue (Apocalyptica, for example), Sting is red as dark roses and a bit haze with it, The Killers are like burned umbra… And same thing with moods and … well, tagging. I’ll show you what I mean. In last.fm, I’ve tagged quite much of the music I’ve listened by random. I’ll link the songs for you also, if I can find them. But not now, ‘cos my great internet connection would crash.

What else I could talk about? Hmm, maybe about autumn, as I always do. I love autumn, maybe because I’ve always been happy during it… or, actually, not always, but. I’ve been in love, I’ve written letters, I’ve been very creative. I do love rain and wind and frost and mud and all that.

But the truth is that if autumn is going to last around the year, I’ll be sad. ‘Cos part of the attractiveness of that season is the ending, first snow and so on. And if it fades, autumn loses it’s magic.

I have a dream. Actually many, but let’s have a look for that single one. I want to go to a silent movie (you know, like Charles Chaplin etc.). One of those which were accompanied with a pianist, which played during the whole movie. That must have been totally great. And it’s gone.

I also want to… well, it’s not that important. Just a thing I miss terribly, which is kind of crazy.

Actually, I’m quite nervous right know. I don’t know have I feel or how I should feel. And I would like to break up with a boy I’m not even together. The problem, you see, is that I do like him too much. And, as always, I can’t do anything for it. He should be my best friend, but 1) people don’t fall in love with their best friends and 2) substitute people… well, yeah.

I’m tired to my network connection. Ka-BUM! Die, stupid wlan, die! Crash! Ca-BOOSH!

Yeah. How intelligent.

Ok. Let’s talk about domino cookies. There is that white… thing… inside them. It’s far too sweet for me, and I can’t understand why people keep trying to make me eat those monsters. I don’t like too sweet things, I prefer savoury snacks.

(There should be square.)

I hope I would be a bit more responsible, but unluckily, I’m not.

This is totally random.

And I’m random too. I don’t like to show too much about myself to other people, and still I do. Sometimes. And it’s quite hard, ‘cos I don’t actually know anymore, what kind of person I am. I’m melancholic and happy and optimistic and pessimistic and spontaneous and I think too much what I do and… well, you’ll get the point, hopefully. This is not easy to explain, and I don’t know why I do it in my blog, which nobody reads. Maybe ‘cos I’m far too tired.

Oh, about dreams. I remember my dreams quite well. Usually I saw dreams about tv-series or about books or… so on. I’ve seen a dream in which I kissed Zachary Quinto (he was marvellous kisser, by the way), I’ve seen a dream where I’ve been a mutant in X-men, I’ve seen a dream where I’ve been a wizard… And dreams are on of the best things in my life, really. Sadly they’re just dreams. (Zachary should be a part of my reality )

My parents are arguing again. It is always sad. I can’t do anything about it, but I wish I could. I wish I could do something always, when people are sad. But, which is quite understandable, I can’t.

Altruism is a good thing, anyway. If we would put altruism and utilitarism together, it would make a perfect philosophy for me. Unfortunately, those people who are great philosophers, say that the point is to find an answer from one single thing, not from puttin a few aspects together. And that’s why I don’t want to be philosopher. (Even though I could make a stone for Harry Potter, omg!)

Well, this is getting interesting. Maybe I should end before I tell my deepest secrets, like that man in Montana… oh, did I just wrote that! Oh God, what have I done…

I guess that’s enough. I’ll  write more later on, but this is longest entry I’ve ever written, so maybe it’ll done. And, at least, it contains the theory about substitute people.

Aloha.